Sunday, September 4, 2011

First melt down of the year

Since coming back from my vacations, thanks to my lovely family I was able to have multiple this year and summer, I have been going none stop!
I don't even really want to list all the things I was dealing with because it will stress me out all over again but to give you an idea of how much I had on my mind...
School, money, job, getting to school, buying text books, going back to school, child support, finding a school for Leilani since this happened and a lot more.
After getting back into school and atteneding the first day that went well, I finally found a school for Leilani and learned that I had to be at the school at 6:30 AM to stand in line to hope I would be able to enroll her. This led to me missing two classes and my first melt down of the year. Lol

I came back home hungry, tired, hot and emotionally drained! The school informed me that they require uniforms and when I heard this dollar signs starting going off in my head. I already went out and bought Leilani her back to school clothing and spent money, then to hear that was all obsolete and that I had to find money somewhere to get her uniforms... I was done!
My bank account was already like a shallow bath with a huge leak in it and now I really had NO idea how I was going to pay for textbooks, metro cards, food, and UNIFORMS. I immediately realized that unfortunately even though Leilani was really looking forward to her dance classes and DESERVES them there was NO way to pay for all of these things and then some and her ballet classes. I would have to keep her out of dance class this semester and hope that I could get her in sometime else down the line. Now I felt even worse because I couldn't get her what she wanted let alone NEEDED.
I started heating up food to eat and my mind just kept running. How was I going to make all of this happen, why is all of this happening and why am I such a MESS!
One thing about me is that I lack emotions so this next part was very strange for me to experience. Lol
I served Leilani and myself the food and sat down to eat. As I sat there the only thing that was going through my mind was: You're going to cry, you want to cry, go ahead and cry. Of course I didn't want to cry, I was hungry I wanted to eat and crying wouldn't solve anything.
As I rose the fork to eat, my life and everything around me felt heavy. I felt like gravity was literally pulling me down, double time, and I got nauseous just looking at the food. I finally got up and walked to my room, then immediately had feelings about how horrible of a mother I was for leaving Leilani in the kitchen eating by herself.  I threw myself on her bed, laid there still thinking and looking at the ceiling telling myself that I had to make it to my next class and that I had no time for a pity party especially one that involved crying. I didn't listen to myself and before I knew it I was in a little ball crying silently so Leilani wouldn't hear me. It lasted all of about 3 minutes because Leilani walked in so I immediately stopped crying and got up to get her the juice she requested.
If it wasn't for her asking me for juice I would probably still be there crying, horrible face with booggers and all. Lol
I will say that being that it was my first melt down of the year and we are in SEPTEMBER I did pretty dam good job keeping it all together. :)
Since my pity party I have solved some of my problems, once again thanks to my wonderful family. However, new things have efficiently and quickly taken the place of my solved problems. Now I look at my "problems" in a new way: I'm too blessed that's why I have so many options/ problems and I am blessed enough to know that I can and will get US through them.
Remember pity parties are often times warranted but in my opinion keep them
Thank you for reading!