Friday, February 17, 2012

Why Worry...

You may or may not know that I am a worrier. I worrier about everything. In fact at Leilani's 3rd birthday I was having anxiety about her starting school... in ... Two more years. I know ridiculous. Lol.

Lately I've been very worried about when I will graduate.
I always said I wanted my Masters degree by 25 and after going to an advisement appointment that goal was shattered and shot to hell, so naturally I started bugging out and feeling like a failure.

I was told that I couldn't double minor in what I wanted, Mandarin and English, and that I had to take one full year of a 'foreign' language. I immediately got a piece of paper and pen and started mapping out the rest of my college career. I was meticulously planning how many courses to take in which semester, when to take these courses and essentially trying to lessen the amount of time I would be in school to reach my goal of having my Masters by 25.

After doing all of that, talking to my sister and returning to a logical way of thinking I realized several things.
  • After graduating high school I enrolled to college a semester late
  • I had to take a year off of school due to moving across the country and several life altering events 
  • When I arrived in NYC I had to learn how to be this "new person"-a single mom in the city
The most important thing that I realized was, I'm literally CHOOSING to stress myself out. It doesn't matter how many flow charts I make, how much I whine, sulk and lie to myself about my capabilities I will not have my Masters by 25 because that's just how it is.

When I first moved here my father sat me down and told me something. He told me "maybe you trying to rush your life is part of the reason why you are in the situation you are right now." Sounds harsh, no? But he was right! Don't get me wrong I do not regret or dislike my life in the slightest but maybe rushing is why so many people in life feel like they haven't accomplished as much as they would have hoped or why some people are all over the place, both emotionally and physically.

I had to tell myself that the fact that I am obtaining my Bachelor of Science degree is an accomplishment and the fact that I am even considering getting my Masters is an accomplishment as well!

A few weeks later after talking to some friends of mine I realized that although I will not have my Masters by 25 I could actually have it by 26! Exciting right? I'm not going to lie me realizing that was pretty exciting but what was more exciting was acknowledging that I am in one of the best colleges in the country in the best city in the world.
Why the hell am I rushing?