Sunday, March 11, 2012

Present Time

The first week of March was really tough for me, really tough. Emotionally I was all over the place and it all started with me visiting a previous bad habit. Meticulous, mind-numbing, long turn super planning.

I was at work planning my Summer semester of school, trying to see what courses were available and how they would leave the rest of my time for Leilani, working and a possible internship. All of a sudden I was stressing about the next year of school. How would it work out? How am I going to do it? When am I going to be done? As all these questions bubbled over in my mind my anxiety began to rise and I could feel a panic attack on the horizon. I packed up my things and began making my way back home all the while having these questions weigh me down and stress me out. The whole weekend I stayed home and felt depressed. Then it got a lot worse.
I pulled out a pen and paper and mapped out the remainder of my undergraduate academic career. When I wad done, and double checked, I realized that this year is my last year of college! To many this is reason to celebrate, for me it sent me over the edge. I began looking at my life in retrospect and decided that, in short, I was a loser. I hadn't accomplished everything that I had hoped to accomplish this far in my academic career and after seeing that my life long goal of traveling abroad was financially unobtainable I felt like shit.

Then a combination of things happened. I spoke to my sisters, I took a deep breath, I'm still surprised I didn't reach fo wine, and asked myself one question: how the hell did get in this position? How did I allow the planning of my Summer semester to turn into planning a year and then a negative retrospection of my life?

My answer: I was trying to control and plan the future. An intangible aspect of life that I have already learned time and time again that will work out how it is ment to regardless of my planning.

In that moment I learned rule number one of time management:

You can only plan present time.

I'm not saying not to plan for the future what I am saying is don't try to control the future.