Thursday, December 6, 2012
I want my own for the both of us
Last night was the fifth year anniversary of the non profit I intern at. I had made plans to attend a while ago. I was excited! The founder personally asked me to attend because she "would love to have me there."
One problem. On the evening of the event, 30 minutes before the event the person that agreed to watch Leilani bailed. I was- still am- so upset, hurt, angry and most of all embaressesed! I told the founder I would be there, I was supposed to be there, I wanted to be there and here I was 30 minutes before going no where.
This really got me thinking about the different dimensions that can make a young mother look as unreliable and unaccountable as I felt at the very moment. I felt so small and yet so big at the same time, the latter I didn't understand at the time.
This morning I woke up and realized why I felt big at the moment when all I really wanted to do was break down and cry. I felt big because I had a great day until that person bailed on me. I felt capable because I knew that the emails, letters and energies I sent out that morning were positive and going to come back to me. I felt big because I realized I really need to get my own. I have always lived with someone. For the last 6 years I have lived with men. Men that feel they are doing the right thing but in reality are making my blood boil more often than not.
I need to and can change this if I make getting a place physically and emotionally of our own for Leilani and myself a priortity.