Thursday, December 6, 2012

I want my own for the both of us

In an effort to try to not sound like a bratty 22 year old I'm going to say that last night I was screwed over.

Last night was the fifth year anniversary of the non profit I intern at. I had made plans to attend a while ago. I was excited! The founder personally asked me to attend because she "would love to have me there."
One problem. On the evening of the event, 30 minutes before the event the person that agreed to watch Leilani bailed. I was- still am- so upset, hurt, angry and most of all embaressesed! I told the founder I would be there, I was supposed to be there, I wanted to be there and here I was 30 minutes before going no where.

This really got me thinking about the different dimensions that can make a young mother look as unreliable and unaccountable as I felt at the very moment. I felt so small and yet so big at the same time, the latter I didn't understand at the time.

This morning I woke up and realized why I felt big at the moment when all I really wanted to do was break down and cry. I felt big because I had a great day until that person bailed on me. I felt capable because I knew that the emails, letters and energies I sent out that morning were positive and going to come back to me. I felt big because I realized I really need to get my own. I have always lived with someone. For the last 6 years I have lived with men. Men that feel they are doing the right thing but in reality are making my blood boil more often than not.

I need to and can change this if I make getting a place physically and emotionally of our own for Leilani and myself a priortity.


  1. Oh hun, I am so sorry that you were bailed on! That is one of the most frustrating feelings, especially when you are going somewhere for work. I'll bet that the founder knows you aren't unreliable. Especially if that person is a mother or a father. While it can take only one bad move for someone to form a negative opinion, it's usually not the case if you've proven yourself over five years. I have had that happen to me at times. So, I learned to try to have two back up plans, which isn't always easy. Being young mothers, we are judged, so we work hard to be on top of everything, and when things don't work as we planned for them to, we are extremely hard on ourselves. Congratulations on all of the big things you did that day! I'm glad that you have recognized them. I know that you will get your rear in gear and get your own place. I think that's a great goal to have. Being responsible for yourself is an empowering thing. Good luck and big hugs from another young mom.

    1. Thank you Carmen. I will speak to the Founder i'm just so embarrassed and frustrated as I can be right now, then add school stress to that too. It's okay though. I am starting to become more and more creative with my solutions.

    2. Creativity is what it takes. :o)

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