Thursday, May 31, 2012
What Really Happens After You Have a Child Young
- You lose-most of-your friends but you meet some amazing ones you would have never met if it wasn't for your child.
- You see life in a whole new light. School becomes more important and a hell of a lot harder.
- Everyone is judging you. Even you.
- That cute, tiny, curvy frame you love will NEVER be the same.
- Forget about worrying about a pimple. You now worry about stretch marks that will never fade.
- Your plate of food is a platter from which your child will pick from.
- Whichever you choose, breast-feeding or not, your breast will not look like they did before.
- Staying up all night has a whole new meaning.
- Every-time you sit down you're lucky. Enjoy it.
- Everything you do needs to be planned. From purchasing shoes to washing your hands.
- Your mornings are a battle against the clock but your best friend is there to see you through.
- Your best friend is no longer that girl that you've known from 5th grade. Your best friend is the person you try so desperately to get to sleep during their witching hour of the night.
- You realize you are capable of feeding a child, doing laundry, doing homework, watching TV and smiling all at once, even if it hurts.
- Hauling ass in a car isn't so cool anymore.
- All that sex you had before you got pregnant doesn't happen anymore. Thank God!
- You ask yourself how did I get here? While you should be asking how can I advance from here?
- You beat yourself up when you should be building yourself up!
Monday, May 21, 2012
I have been giving a lot of thought lately to your absence in Leilani's life and through speaking to my sisters and some other individuals close to me I finally became honest with myself and decided to write you a letter.
It truly baffles/saddens me that you were there for Leilani from conception to age 4. Then when we separated you decided to no longer to be a part of her life.
I say decided because you don't call, don't text, and on the two birthdays you have missed thus far you sent nothing and called in the evening to wish her a Happy Birthday, almost as if you have forgotten the birth date of the little girl you once whole heartily referred to as your princess.
Since moving we have made several trips back to Florida and I want you to realize that if it was NOT FOR ME DECIDING to make you aware of the fact that your daughter was in the same city as you, you would have not had the slightest clue.
You have absolutely no presence in her life emotionally or financially.
In fact she barely brings you up.
However, when we see a father at the park or simply standing at the street corner holding his child's hand I see the pain- she tries so hard to cover up- all over her beautiful face. My heart feels a pang of hurt when I see the "whole family" in the park with their children and the father helping his little girl and know she does too.
I've watched heartbroken and felt powerless as she inches closer to the father and daughter hoping she can become part of their world if even for a moment.
Sometimes she asks when you are coming to visit her because she really wants to show you around New York City and my endless lie that you are working and trying to find time to come is getting too hard for me to tell.
I was convinced that being able to say "I did it by myself" was the most important thing to me and that your lack of presence was just your problem and something I didn't have to pay attention to. However, as stated above after speaking to people close to me and realizing that my daughter was hiding her emotions I now see the importance of Leilani being able to say that she grew up knowing both of her parents were there for her and that they both loved her more than anything else.
Today Leilani can do the monkey bars all be herself, tie her own shoes, swing by herself, has lost 6 teeth, started school, was moved to the First Grade early and many more things that you have missed and will never be able to see her due for the first time again.
On the rare occasion when you all speak on the phone she wonders why you still call her by her old nickname because no body does that anymore.
Initially I thought that I wasn't "Mom enough"and tried to do more. However, I realized that just like nothing can replace the love of a mother nothing can replace the love of a father. Especially for a little girl that once had 'him' there.
I lived the life of absent parents and know first had that struggle. As a mother I can not stand idly by and watch her go through the same. This is why I'm writing you this letter to help bring awareness to a child you once claimed.
Please realize that she is not to blame for the demise of our failed relationship and nor should she bare the burden for that. Also please be advised that it is 'not too late.'
I'm not diminishing my role as a mother or saying that single mothers are not capable of raising a child on their own because neither is true. I'm simply trying to remind you that there is an amazing child that lives in New York City that is related to you.
This letter has no ulterior motives. I'm not trying to get child support or an address for your whereabouts.
If you continue to not have a presence in her life we will be fine- as we are now- we will continue our Friday night movies, museum visits and dance classes. We will continue our trips to the park and meeting people from all over the world in this amazing city.
We will continue to smile with both our eyes and our hearts. But most importantly I will continue to keep you in a positive light in her eyes until you decide to live up to the man she thinks you are.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The other day I got to thinking about life when I first became a Teen Mom. Surprisingly I feel like that was so long ago and I often forget it was only six short years ago.
I was mostly thinking about how young I really was! I mean really thinking and I came up with a slightly comical and surprising list with a long name.
The things I wasn't legally old enough to do but I was having a baby list.
- drive (I had Leilani 4 days before my 16th birthday)
- buy and or consume alcohol (again legally is in the lists name)
- get married (thank GOD I dodged that assault riffle bullet rain storm)
- buy cigarettes [which are disgusting, so I would've bought them but for list sake here it is :)]
- buy a lottery ticket
- Purchase WHITE OUT alone
- HAVE A JOB!
- Rent anything (apartment, car, chairs for a party you name I mostly likely couldn't rent it)
- Take my own child on a plane with me by myself.
- One of my personal favorites:
- Get my very own sonogram.
- True story. The place I went to was, surprise, surprise, super rude and refused to let me get my sonogram because I wasnt 18 years old. Needless to say the lady got an ear full and I got my sonograms :)
Last and my very favorite one:
-WATCH A RATED R MOVIE.
Although this list is a bit comical it really brings into perspective how young I really was when I had Leilani. As well as how quick I had to grow up and the reality of how I didn't know shit!
At that age I thought I knew everything and boy was I completely Wrong!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
You know, the constant self badgering I put myself through about my life plans. I am a reformed hyperplanner/worrier and although I've gotten a lot better these tendencies still have a way of coming back.
I was stressing about finances, my life after college and life post post college. What bought on all this stress you ask: Glee and The Secret Life of the American Teenager. (Sounds crazy I know but hear my out and yes, I watch Secret Life. I actually enjoy it more than MTV's Teen Mom, but that's a whole 'nother post :).
In Glee they were stressing plans after high school. In The Secret Life, Amy, the main character, was stressing mom life and teenage life. These two things plus staying home all week gave me a lot of time to think and badger myself.
I stressed, internalized my stress, projected my stress and then had to pull myself out of it by asking myself: what the hell are you purposely doing to yourself?!?
I've been here before! I was here when I was stressing about which major and minor to choose. I was here when I didn't want to listen to my inner voice. I've been here several times and everytime the same answer rings true. The choices you make in life don't have to be permanent (depending on the situation of course.)
When you choose a major or minor that doesn't mean you'll be doing that one thing your whole life, when not listening to your inner voice- which is very dumb- the choice you make is often times temporary so don't stress and sulk get PRO ACTIVE!
In short what I guess I'm saying is staying home with a green eyed fever ridden sweet heart, during election week-which we won, I am officially a sitting member of Baruch College's 2012-2013 Undergrad Student Government- was really time that I needed. Time I needed to think these things out without distraction, time to clean the house( thank God!), time to spend with Leilani without distractions.
Time to get my mind right.
The best thing that came out of that week- besides Leilani feeling better-was
me realizing I can have it all!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
May is about getting CLEAN AND CLEAR skin! I have been battling my skin lately and need to take a more direct approach to getting the skin I want. Throughout May I am going to be sharing what I am doing to get clearer skin ALL OVER, yes I am one of the many that have mild body acne.
While doing research online I have re-learned that our skin is a reflection of what is going on INSIDE our bodies! To help clean out what's going on inside and keep myself hydrated I have purchased a refillable water bottle and have been drinking tons of water.
Next, I began using a poof! Using a poof exfoliates your skin EVERY TIME YOU SHOWER. This has helped a TON, especially on my shoulders.
Continuing my online search looking for a good face wash online I found a list of the top 18 recommended.
I'm still in between Clinique, Cetaphil and a few others but in the mean while I will continue using my Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque!
Another skin problem area I will be targeting are, ONCE AGAIN, my stretch marks! I am fortunate enough to say I no long look like a ZEBRA but I still want to work on having them fade a bit.
At the end of the month on lucky giveaway winner will win a clear skin package with some of the things I will be using throughout the month to obtain the clean and clear skin we all desire.
Friday, May 4, 2012
April wasn't all rainbows and sunshine and even with all that great things that can happen life can get messy.
April's gift is one that will help reduce the messiness and hopefully the sticky fingers your iPod or iPhone gets when your child might play on it.
This month we are giving away TWO Fisher Price iPod/iPhone covers.
The covers can be great for letting your little one play, learn-with the free app that comes with it- and will provide you with a little bit of free time to finish any work, home or homework assignments you may have to finish.
To enter the giveaway you only need to do three things:
- Be subscribed to Teen Mom NYC.com
- Like our Facebook Page-Teen Mom NYC.com
- Leave your contact information as a comment below.
The last day to enter is MAY 13th- MOTHER'S DAY