Friday, October 2, 2015

I had a moment in Target today and it was great

When I was 16/17 years old I would go shopping for clothing for Leilani. At the time I was working at Taco Bell making $7.50 an hour. Gas was pretty much consistently $3 or more so my $7.50 after taxes and gas didn't go very far.

I remember going to Walmart to get her clothes but always preferring the options at Target because they were much cuter and didn't fall apart in the wash as quickly. The thing is I didn't have Target shopping money.
Hell, I barely had Walmart shopping money.

Around 17/18 I started working a sales job at a cellphone store and making more money (not that much more but more nonetheless) I was finally able to go to Target and shop their sales for kids clothes.

Being in the toddler section and seeing the "bigger girl" options (sizes Leilani would grow into) made me REALLY want to be able to get her the cute clothes from Target. I remember telling myself that I would one day be able to afford those clothes for her.

Today I went into Target for 2 things (and came out with like 1000 like everyone else).
Leilani is a Cat Lady through and through and when I was in the kid's section I saw they had a great assortment of Cat Lady merchandise. I walked around for a while looking at all the Cat Lady options and put a few in my cart without thinking too much of it.
Then I walked over to the shoes and saw the perfect black and leopard print booties that she would love. I instantly grabbed them. Unfortunately, the size was too small so I had to put them back.

As I put them back on the shelf I had a huge realization. I ACCOMPLISHED MY GOAL.

I was shopping in Target in the "bigger girls section" without having the think about it and counting every single penny with the same shame and anxiety I had when i was 15/16/17 years old.

Don't get me wrong. I still count pennies and I had to put back an an item I wanted to get her but DAMN I was doing it!

Being that I've been in a really bad, negative, and low confidence level place with all things in my life this moment came right when I didn't know I needed it.

It showed me that although I'm not "where I want to be" in life I'm living, I'm growing, and I am accomplishing goals I set out for myself.

My 15/16/17 year old self is proud of me.
My 25 year old self is proud of my 15/16/17 year old self.